Secret Expectations

Have you ever found yourself and/or your partner angry and hurt, and neither of you can understand why the other one is upset?  This happens frequently with couples, and it’s a result of what Riley and I call Secret Expectations in How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together.

A secret expectation exists when you make guesses about what your partner wants, and force your partner to guess what you want, by not being open about it. Secret expectations are secret because no one ever states out loud "I want you to ......." or asks, "What do you want?" or "would you like me to ....?" In short, no one clearly defines the problem. This often arises from childhood experience; for example, expecting that how your mother cared for you when you were sick will be exactly how your partner will care for you.  The problem is, your partner may have had an entirely different childhood experience.  We often don’t even know we have these hidden expectations until a situation arises where they are not met.

Long-standing resentment is another telltale sign of hidden expectations. When hidden expectations are not met, resentment will slowly build up, sometimes until it is released in a rage.

Secret expectations are expectations one person has and assumes the other person understands or knows without ever confirming them verbally. The one who has the Secret Expectation may not even realize how important or significant it is because it's never been discussed or thought about. These expectations get in the way of defining the problem because they keep the problems hidden.

Secret expectations form quite easily, because most of us make assumptions about the future from what has happened before. Sooner or later, someone's expectations will not be fulfilled, because one of you guessed wrong; and hurt feelings, upsets, and even rage can result. When you feel very confused or upset, or you are not sure why you’re fighting, you and your partner have probably developed a Secret Expectation, or unconscious set of rules. It’s one of the major reasons problems between couples do not get solved.

To combat Secret Expectation, you first need to examine why you’re upset, and whether your partner understands what you want.  Then, share that information, and discuss it, and the differences in your expectations in these situations. 

When your Secret Expectations are no longer secret, the source of many mysterious and confusing upsets in your relationship will be astoundingly clear, and once discussed and understood, it will no longer trouble you.

Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working It out Together.